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Jun 18, 2014 · Sounds like you work in a place where people take themselves/their work waaaaay too seriously. For anecdata – of the people in my year group for my PhD, most of them were dating/married to people in a variety of non-academic professions. I don’t think anyone was dating within the …Estimated Reading Time: 8 mins
Second: My family is full of anecdata on this subject! My other example is my brother and his girlfriend. Would quotes help? My wife works in IT and makes enough for both of us to live comfortably with me not working at all. But I started asking myself questions like the ones the captain recommended to you and thinking about what really works for ME and my life! Two different countries. My mom is a partner in a law firm and my stepdad owns an auto shop. Using the free services is a good starter, but a paid membership is the only real option if you want to take a serious step towards finding a match. I chose not to go for my Ph. Wait until you defend. Thanks for the sympathy! Her husband is a mechanic. Sure, fine. My boyfriend had to take my laptop away from me, even after I insisted that I could type just fine with an IV in. Captain, thank you for posting this letter, and your response, which along with the comments make up some of the best advice I have seen on the internet for staying sane in grad school and academia generally. I cried over that one, their efforts failed and I consoled myself with the thought it was due to far too many ivory tower people with no one experienced with the actual way things work to help. You get to insist on time to make real food and exercise! You can contact Academic Singles at: customerservice academicsingles. And if you are thinking long-term, you need someone who could potentially move when you get that dream appointment someday. I also live with my mum and little sister who have to survive on welfare until my unable-to-work mum can retire next year. I also think in this academic climate, the worst advisor to have is the one who has led a charmed life— no visiting jobs in crappy places, lots of grantwinning and publishing. It does not care about your health. Homo economicus would also realize that lots of non-academic jobs pay at least as much as a grad school stipend, and the grocer or landlord cares more about whether you can pay your bills than about letters after your name. It is sexist, a totally gendered issue. Does that consequence matter to me? They spend date nights writing new theorems; I spend date nights playing Starcraft. Seriously, if you can have an academic life AND a life outside it? Some of these people may be authority figures, but authority figures do not have authority when it comes to your body and your family. I loved him very much, and he was completely supportive of my academic goals, but I got bored of conversations about cars and computers, which were the two things he loved best. I have to say, it sounds more like jealousy on their parts than anything else. We encourage each other to achieve our respective goals and provide love, support, and comfort when work is difficult or discouraging. It is an awesome bonding experience. Think of it this way — picture another career path. In my early adulthood the days before the tech bubble burst , a lot of them were in IT, and I dated a few of them, including Darth Ex. It was all about either having the degree and doing the really cool research or having some secure university staff job. If I followed this suggestion, would I be happier? I was working 20 hours a day and my boyfriend was stay-at-home and I still never got to see him. My dad is a university professor and for most of my childhood my mother was a part time bookkeeper. You need someone who loves you, for you, who roots for your success, who supports you emotionally when the going gets tough, who excites and challenges you, who would care about you even if you failed at science. I also had some guilt complexes about maybe he spent too much time on me, at the expense of his program. These are pretty much unrelated to whether or not your partner has a PhD, but they are definitely still gendered, with a couple of issues seeming to occur much more frequently and intensely for female academics who date men than for male academics who date women:. Well played, you, well played, and YES on the gushing-to-the-boyfriend and the playing-some-Starcraft. Uggghh on the hour-a-week worthlessness. What sets this site apart from other more traditional dating sites is its use of an extensive questionnaire designed to ensure that you are matched with compatible personality types. My problem has nothing to do with social appearances being gay, I stopped caring if other people approved of my partners a long time ago but with the fact that, if all I get is adjunct work once I finish a likely possibly , we will literally be unable to feed and house ourselves. I moved here for my postdoc and married him a year later. If you are not in that boat, I hope you can find a committee member or other mentor who is more supportive to help keep you on the track you actually want to be on. To more tech-savvy users, it might appear a bit basic, but it still does exactly what it says on the tin.
I have been dating an awesome guy for a little over a year now. He is extremely intelligent and genuinely interested in my research work, and I like hearing wild stories from the club he works at. And besides, we have a lot of shared interests, like programming, caving, and gaming, where we are at similar levels of accomplishment and feel like we can challenge each other. When I first met Boyfriend, my out-of-town friends told me I needed to be aiming higher. They spend date nights writing new theorems; I spend date nights playing Starcraft. I already have a lot of anxiety about my career. Is it going to turn me into a lesser scientist? Am I wasting time? Are my priorities all out of whack? Do you or your readers have experience dating with education discrepancies? Are my fears as unfounded as I hope? What can I say if people get all judgy about his choice of career? I really debated whether to publish your letter. You asked for anecdata, so here is some. I have a terminal degree, my boyfriend has some college but not a degree. It affects my career not at all and us socially not at all. My mom has an advanced degree, my dad has a certificate from a technical college. It affected them not at all. I can think of zero relationships among my peers where having a degree vs. There can be a lot of expense, discontent, jealousy, immigration issues, loss of career momentum, and other giant, real hassles in dual-career relationships. Your judgy out-of-town friends need to, pardon my French, fuck the hell off on this topic. Out loud? What the hell is wrong with you? Your peers, at these nightmare hellscape parties where apparently people can only trumpet their stellar accomplishments, would probably describe themselves as very informed , logical , and open-minded people. Why then are they so ignorant about and dismissive of any life path that is not the exact same as theirs? But, while there are certainly supportive mentors and institutions, you have to realize that for the most part the world of elite scholarship does not care about your happiness. It does not care about your health. It cares about your usefulness and your results. It cares about your productivity. It cares about finding the smallest amount of money and support that you will settle for. Sometimes it will give you asshole old man advice about how you should live your life and conform to its expectations. You need someone who loves you, for you, who roots for your success, who supports you emotionally when the going gets tough, who excites and challenges you, who would care about you even if you failed at science. And if you are thinking long-term, you need someone who could potentially move when you get that dream appointment someday. They could thrive in their careers partly because they had wives, who maybe worked outside the home at some job, but who poured a ton time and energy into supporting them while they did their intense manly intellectual work. At all. The ones who bought me dinner and groceries when my financial aid took 14 weeks of a week semester to come through. The ones who helped out on all my film sets, lent me their houses and cars as locations. The ones who had parties where I could talk about NOT grad school. Sometimes what you need from your day is not to discuss the finer points of research methods or the three-act-structure one more time, but to talk with people who have completely different stuff going on than you do. Or to get good and righteously gloriously thoroughly laid. Grad school is not there for you on this. Prestige is especially dangerous to the ambitious. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, the way to do it is to bait the hook with prestige. It might be a good rule simply to avoid any prestigious task. In your defense, the orthodoxy that graduate school is the One True Way To Demonstrate Worth is being indoctrinated quite deliberately within the subculture you are in. Graduate school can operate a lot like a reality dating show, in that it thrives on Stockholm Syndrome, and you actually have to fight to keep your own sense of what is important amid the absurdity. Reality dating shows isolate their contestants, moving them away from everyone they love and imprisoning them in a big house with only other contestants. Everyone has the same goal and the same focus, and there is no down-time or escape — you must always be thinking about the Bachelor or the Rock or the Flavor of the Love and how to win them over. No pets, no books, no distractions. You associate only with people who are on the show.
Elite Singles Review. I am a frequent reader of the always amazing Captain and army , and have never felt so inclined to weigh in. Hi LW. And if you are thinking long-term, you need someone who could potentially move when you get that dream appointment someday. But I started asking myself questions like the ones the captain recommended to you and thinking about what really works for ME and my life! What would the other accountants think?!? You fail. This is impossible for many who do not have family support. Funny how being happy and satisfied with your life overall makes it easier for you to apply yourself to schoolwork, eh? My partner is a self-admitted workaholic in a field that will certainly require a PHD and no life for many years. Post was not sent - check your email addresses! So where your research group is physically based and where the money comes from and how varied the backgrounds of your coworkers are will all have effects on what the general tone of the group is. People are valuable regardless of the kind of work they do. My significant-other has a high school diploma. Some of these people may be authority figures, but authority figures do not have authority when it comes to your body and your family. I work in university administration. Oh, LW, I feel you. Thanks for the sympathy! He likes teaching. Paying to join the ranks of intellectuals and academics who are members of Academic Singles gives you access to a range of further services. Reality dating shows isolate their contestants, moving them away from everyone they love and imprisoning them in a big house with only other contestants. Sign up Add your email address and either choose your own password or use the one suggested by the site. My mom and sister would say the same. Did my career suffer? I really, really feel the need to comment here with this amazing love-letter-of-sorts about not doing PhDs a career academic scientist wrote for me when I was applying. Write accordingly. Oh academia — I remember that. It was then that I realized, even though I love learning, and my field, I detest being in school. My problem has nothing to do with social appearances being gay, I stopped caring if other people approved of my partners a long time ago but with the fact that, if all I get is adjunct work once I finish a likely possibly , we will literally be unable to feed and house ourselves. You have to realize that his contributions and work are just as important as yours. He freelanced after undergrad in the industry but was barely scraping by, and was burning through his inheritance at an incredible rate. I could literally go on and on here about how positive this combination has been for me, but I also want to say that it hits me in the heart to hear the anxiety you feel about your career and capabilities. I also had some guilt complexes about maybe he spent too much time on me, at the expense of his program. I listened earnestly to what he told me about his day-to-day life and many other cool things! Is this coming from a competitor or a supporter? Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email. This includes work-for-money which you might need to do to cover such minor things as food and rent. A big difficulty in that relationship was I started out with little idea of what a good student would be doing in my program beyond the coursework and had little guidance, and he expected to come home after work and just hang out with his partner. When I was in grad school, I was warned by my adviser not to choose my future husband in Germany over an academic career in the U. Thus the system attempts to ensure that you need to come from a leisured class in order to participate. Self-assigned homework: call Boyfriend and gush about all the things I value him for. Thinking on it, it was rather like the previous column, wherein women bond by comparing their food guilt. I found a lovely guy that I started spending evenings a week with. I think if you want less negative feedback about what is otherwise an amazing relationship, you need to focus on trying to embody the confidence of that relationship, and airing your fears more selectively. When talking with my sister early on, she said that one possible reason he might be dating me was because he liked the idea of dating someone with a snooty degree, training for another snooty degree, related to feelings of inadequacy or status that, as it turns out, were probably part of the story for him. In the article I linked up thread by Sarah Kendzior, she writes about the decision to have a baby during grad school: The greatest threat to getting an academic job is not a baby. Possibly you will encounter people in your academic career like your current friends who will side-eye your relationship. I think so long as you can understand, support, and respect each other here which it sounds like yes! All of the things Captain brought up are reasons why I decided to cut off my academic career at my MA. You can do it! I can be flexible because he can be flexible. So, no, you are not sabotaging your career in any way. Someone who supports you and wants to help you accomplish your goals and dreams means way more than credentials. However, as a straight woman scientist who has dated both academic and non-academic men, I would add, as a caveat, that there are ways in which a partner can damage your academic career. Then when he finally reached an academic tier that challenged him, it was a pretty serious blow to his self-esteem.
Launched in , Academic Singles matchmaking website and the Academic Singles app have established themselves as a popular choice for educated singles. Its target audience comprises people for whom intellectual ability and educational achievement are desirable qualities in a date. The site uses a scientific matching system to help people of similar academic and intellectual levels find each other. However, unusually, the ratio of male and female users is fairly equal. With almost , intellectuals and academics already subscribed and plenty of new sign-ups each day, Academic Singles is one of the most popular dating sites for educated singles. However, do you need a doctorate to use it? Our in-depth Academic Singles review puts it under the microscope. If you are interested in more, be sure to check out our ranking table for the best professional dating sites! While the questionnaire does ask about your educational and professional achievements, the majority of the questions are used to assess your personality type and that of your ideal match. In addition to the personality test, the site gives you the opportunity to choose a pre-written question, which will be sent to your matches. Unlike many sites of this kind, both the Academic Singles matchmaking website and the Academic Singles app offer some good free services. Registering for Academic Singles is free, as is the personality test which all members, paying or not, take part in. Paying to join the ranks of intellectuals and academics who are members of Academic Singles gives you access to a range of further services. These include:. There are three payment plans to choose from:. This is because the focus of the site is to get users to engage with each other, rather than to make money from online fripperies. The same goes for both the Classic and Committed membership packages. Using the free services is a good starter, but a paid membership is the only real option if you want to take a serious step towards finding a match. Academic Singles makes no bones about the fact that it caters solely for educated singles looking for a match of similar intellectual abilities. Typically, members are between 35 and Most users have achieved a good standard of education and most are looking for intellectual, as well as physical, matches. Academic Singles operates in several different countries, with around Most members are Taiwanese, followed by the French in second place. Time needed: 8 minutes. Because Academic Singles aims itself at educated singles, the registration process is much lengthier than you might expect from other dating sites. Leave at least a quarter of an hour for the questionnaire. However, the registration process can be broken down into five easy steps:. Add your email address and either choose your own password or use the one suggested by the site. The scientific matching system relies on complete honesty to find you a compatible match. While the mainstay might be intellectuals and academics, even the biggest brains can struggle with technology. The layout is clear, clean and simple, with everything you need to navigate your way around, right in front of you. Similarly, the Academic Singles app is minimalistic, giving you an equally easy online experience. To more tech-savvy users, it might appear a bit basic, but it still does exactly what it says on the tin. Sending messages is free for women, while men must pay for the service. This is to encourage online safety and prevent women from being stalked or harassed. Membership to Academic Singles can only be cancelled by written letter or by sending a message via fax. There is no online facility through which to cancel your subscription. Academic Singles is a matchmaking website for educated singles. Most of the users are intellectuals and academics aged between 35 and What sets this site apart from other more traditional dating sites is its use of an extensive questionnaire designed to ensure that you are matched with compatible personality types. You can set other parameters, such as how far you are prepared to travel for a date, from your profile page. You can contact Academic Singles at: customerservice academicsingles. Website: www. Academic Singles — smart dating for smart people. Alternatives to Academic Singles. Sign up Add your email address and either choose your own password or use the one suggested by the site.